和自己的对话

我，很渺小，很喜欢缅怀过去，却又不积极现在和未来。
我，跟不上世界的脚步，活在自己小小又狭隘的思维里，却走不出框框。
我，开始很用心地对待人和事物，却发现自己家务做得不好，菜煮得不好吃，人家不理我。
我，选择keep my mouth shut, 因为发现自己讲的话很无知肤浅。
我，不是不想和你们说话，却又很怕被人忘记。
我，有时尝试联络人，却发现离别人的世界很远，有时觉得他们说话中伤我，
我，不敢和朋友狡辩，因为觉得自己很小气。
我，有时睡觉醒来，却为了能够醒来而觉得悲哀。
我，不能把心事烦恼和他说，因为他总觉得不关他的事，很烦，他要上班养我，我的烦恼要自己解决。
我，躲起来偷偷的哭，在人前强颜欢笑，笑得很难看，人家说我摆臭脸。
我，不知道活着为什么，看了Purpose Driven Life, 却看不明白也不爱看。
我，不会主动找人msn因为怕人家觉得我很烦，也想看看如果我没有找人，有没有人会主动msn我。
我，太多自己的念头，但很少坏念头，但是人家还是不满意我。
我，上班遇到禽兽老板，我丢了工，其他同事也选择离开，他们却把矛头指向我，说我是保龄球，还问我事情发生后，为什么我看起来若无其事， 前面还加一句，i don't want to upset you but...
我，很难过，觉得为什么会有这种事发生在我身上，但是我没错，他们可能质疑我，但是难过不一定要人家看到，我不要你们理解，因为没发生在你们身上，你们永远不会懂那种伤害。
我， 不想赚同情泪，虽然我还是很难过他们这样想我。
我，不想提这件事了，虽然我还是很怕一个人出去，还是重重锁上家门，时不时还要回去协助调查，要面对的时候还是要面对的。
我，会没事，只是想诚实的和自己对话。

不能忘

有一些伤害，是一辈子都不会忘， 更何况是彼此的伤害。



当他的拳头近在咫尺，她知道一切该慢慢的结束了，更何况他无中生有的侮辱了她的家人。



一张床，两个人，一间房，两个人， 死结。再见。

废人

讨厌废人。还可以从头来过吗？青春已不复返，红颜已消兮。 咬破了的唇角，眼泪却倔强在眼眶里打转，想大声的嘶叫，却不被容许。困在心里的野兽，像被人肋住了喉咙，失去了分寸，却只能彷徨的徘徊在格局里， 什么也做不了。与其逼死人，不如逼死自己。 为什么死不了？啊？

坚强

好久没来这里了。其实不是很像来的，每次来到都很情绪化。
七个月就这样无声无息的溜走了。每天循例的上下班，泡泡电视剧，白开水一般的过生活。做着自己不是很爱做的事，看尽了各种嘴脸和苛刻，发现以前的生活是多么的幸福，有无话不谈的同事，甚至还怀念起来曾经很不喜欢的部门主管，ST。
无论如何，只要还活着，日子还是一样要过的。缅怀过去，其实丝毫没有好处，现实很残酷，需要让自己变得很强大，不是么？
面对人，变得很累，一个人有时真的撑得很辛苦，无论如何，还是要面对的，不是么？

你是我的宝

童颜是世界上最美好的一幅图画;稚语是世界上最安慰人心的良药.

无题

很静。老式CPU的风扇在呼呼作响。墙上挂着的日历，鲜红的注明着大年初三。 有点发臭的口腔，镜中蜡黄的面容，丝毫沾不上春节的喜气洋洋。家人，朋友，离我好远好远好远，我想他们早已忘了我的存在。
我应该体谅他们吗？那是一种很矛盾的情绪，就好像我很不要脸似的，死命的，重复的提醒别人记起我。没有了眷恋，就随一切去吧，在蓝蓝的海里和鱼儿说心事，至少还我安详，离开一切的纷扰。

音乐

插上耳机，音乐带我到另一个世界，每首歌重复听三遍。
（一个就一个，手空着就开车。。。）
电话铃铃响，门铃叮咚响，管他的印度大姐广告攻势，还是总是找错地址的清洁工人。
（慢慢呼吸，越慢越美丽。。。）
今晚不煮晚餐，好吗？可以吗？面对满冰箱黄了一角的菜，我好想哭。。
（someone once told me that you have to choose what you win or lose you cant have everything...）
I'm just tryna be happy.
（天上的星星笑地上的人 总是不能懂不能知道足够。。。）
其实幸福很简单，就是减去所有消极的，乘以美好的。
（两人手一牵，命运就改变）
........................

Good people vs. bad people

I met good people and bad people in melbourne.
I felt bad and upset when I once saw a pizza teenage girl who served impatiently and raised her voice freaking high to an old folk. The poor old man pointed at the pizza slices on the food shelf with his trembling right hand while holding a wood stick in his left hand. This picture haunted me for weeks and I can remember still vividly his trembling pointer swifted disobediently and the stonyhearted glimpse on the lovely face of the girl.
I met another chinese waitress in Boxhill who ruined my beautiful Saturday and gave me a bonus of arguement with Chris. The psychotic woman (I'm still mad of her)refused to confess the wrong order and yet YELLED at me. She insisted I ordered the bloody 'dong ning cha' which I actually orderd a 'dong nai cha'. And she gave the wrong order to the customer next table to me and she kept denying at first and lastly the guy showed her the order sheet, which finally shutted her machine-gunned mouth. The incident ended up with an angry me burning in hatred hell fire launching a complaint to her co-workers after I failed to meet her manager in the peak lunch hour and the 'dong ning cha'is replaced. Not a happy ending because I left behind the food and headed back straight to home with a scattered shopping mood.
I met an asshole on Airasia flight to Melbourne in January who claimed the empty seat between me and him was 50%-50% belonged respectively when Chris intended to switch to that seat. I was poor at English speaking that time and I gave up to argue with him. However, Jing, my sister in law had some arguements with him and he was kinda a jerk who gave all sorts of ridiculous and idiotic excuses and he finally blasted out saying that he rather to sit on the empty seat and purposely want to separate me and Chris. A bad trip indeed and I suffered the severe stomachache after having the Nasi Lemak late at midnight. :-(
Anyway, don't give up. There is always a bright side on every happening, just like there is good people out there too.
I was somehow lost on my way home today because I can't find the bus stop to get me to the main road. I asked a couple who was resting after their tennis session for direction and they were too kind to offer me their MAC to search for the bus route. But unfortunately the bus stop just not there as the web indicated. So i thanked them and tried for luck on another end of road.I headed to the direction of the couple again after a guy directed me to the nearby train station. I waved at the couple and signed them that I was heading to the station.
'Hey!!!' a voice hold me and I slowered down my paces under the hot sun. It was her, Lily, the wife, asking me if I don't mind then they most probably can drop me off at the main road. I hesitated and couldn't resist their sincerity and I nodded. I was lucky to chat with them, friendly Lily and Mr Lily(too hard to remember his name and that's the way he called himself). Thank you, Mr Lily and Lily, thanks for a beautiful heart like the scent of lily flower, you have made my day. :-)

乱说

今天这个鬼天气，把湿漉漉的衣服在2个小时之内给烘干了，更不用说我哪干得可看到细纹的皮肤，希望它不要‘龟裂’就行了， 可怕！！
反复听了好几遍green day 的 21 guns, 他们是我最近喜欢上的soft rock band，把我心情带上天。自闭了太久，懒散了，也只有音乐可以和我相依为命了。目标阿目标，为什么你离我那么远？还是我根本都不知道你是什么东东？为什么我这么懒，这么堕落，好像根本没劲去追求你？也许病了11天，病傻了。
也许傻了更好，即时天崩地裂，大喜大悲都与我无关。酱悲观嚒？讨厌的自己。

My First TIme.

I was undergoing a series of female exam lately. Thanks to Australian's government for the medical benefit as most of all I have them free. Firstly, TPU (Transvaginal Pelvis Ultrasound) which involves the insertion of the transducer into the v*gin* (*blush*) and it was performed professionally by a MALE doctor with a nurse's witness. The process is emm...arrgg...grrr...ok, lotsa jelly, uncovered and precise but after all, it's quite all right for me.

I had appointment with my family doctor to discuss the diagnosis's result early at 9 this morning. It's a beautiful spring morning, and like usual, I followed the path cross over the nursery home, yellowish flowers field, lavender bush, and certainly friendly old folks to the main road.

Back to my diagnosis result, I was told my right ovary is polycystic in appearance. On the other hand, my right ovary contains up to 7 peripheral follicles. Therefore I need to undergo another blood test for my hormone tomorrow.

God bless me, my ovary and fertility. Amen.

Malaysian food sick

Eventually I tasted the most authentic Malaysian cuisine in Melbourne. Laksa king located at a hidden mall in Flemington which is hardly to be noticed, was surprisingly full house. We need to wait for about 10 minutes before seated, and there was still people coming in every few minutes. I was craving for Chendol but too bad the 'cendol' was running out and I finally had a Iced Red Bean ($3.80) and Fish Head noodles ($10.90) while Chris had a 'Har Mee' aka prawn noodles ($9.90).



The food tasted fantastic, amazingly delicious and genuinely malaysian oriented. I must admit I'm not a chinese (those from china mainland) food fan and quite sick of their food and maybe their people too. Even malaysian restaurant didn't cook genuine malaysian cuisine to suit those ang mo's appetite. Anyway, Laksa King brought me to the food's heaven in Melbourne. Thumbs up!

Who moved my Tim Tam?

ijI always am a grumpy girl or best known as 'ngiao ji' to certain people or things. Somehow I assume that I'm holding own principals firmly but anyway, I seldom voice out my disatisfactions and expose my 'ngiao ji'-ness blunt and apparent.
From the case 'who moved my Tim Tam', I admitted completely that I'm A BIT (only) ngiao ji. Simply like someone who never bought her own food who ate my only, solely TIm Tam that I thought was safely kept in the pantry. I didn't know why I was so immesed into the sea of ngiao ji-ness. (crap, she is eating the another half of MY Tim Tam now, I can hear it). Maybe due to she never bought her own food, and she acted totally, absolutely comfortable when we paid the bills when dined out.
I was always told and reminded to share among people but this time I really can't help.I was so devastated to be bothered by this unpleasant feeling for whole day yesterday and I guess today as well. Crap!

Food Safari

I crave for pancake every Thursday, maybe due to I free to have own style lunch on Thursday and Friday. Today I made a cream cheese pancake with red bean spread and fast forwarding watching korean drama. And I learning scarf tie-ing technique, which wong called only lunatic will do that. huak him!

not much thoughts today. Just want to update blog for wong's viewing pleasure. :-)

Before it's too late

One thing that I'm anxious about every festival is the Petronas Advertisement. Late Yasmin Ahmad, a name which shone up incredibly and implausibly by her Petronas advertisement direcetd them all. However, I missed the Petronas Chinese New Year advertisement this year. Don't piss off, just youtube-ing it. Heart-sinking, griefing, hoping it's not too late to love my parents from this seconds.

And another one just simply moved and touched my heart.

The one I loved most. Isn't it our children's duty from God to give our parents all our love, full heart and soul? Nothing to question about, it's all bout love.

生活语录

有一晚临睡前，
Chris （横躺在床上，双眼没有焦点的瞪着天花板）：其实，我小时候有很多梦想，现在还在想的。
Jen ：噢？是什么来的？
Chris ：我想成为灌篮高手！
Jen ：你还可以的。
Chris : 我还想做秋明山车神。
Jen：（结果把R4撞下6尺深的水里）
Chris：我最伟大的梦想是。。。。
做一个超级赛亚人。
Jen：。。。。。。。。。Zzzzzzzzzzz
三十岁的人偶尔有着十三岁的心灵。莞尔。。

疲惫

今天，很消沉，想必是讨厌的荷尔蒙在作祟。

想起为什么许多事都不长久，相信自己很努力的去珍惜许多人和事，为什么却不能得到同等的对待。

输在外在条件，可是我很努力的去弥补了，为什么世界还是容不下我，哪怕是给我 0.0000000000001mm 的位置也好。

其实我不是一个很贪心的人，我算是很自足的了，但为什么，大多数的时候，一丁点的期望，却都让我失望万分，于是，我已经不敢奢望， 永远不敢了。在什么时候，期待什么人的出现，就算我拿出百份之两百的诚意又如何，却让我千倍万倍的黯然神伤。所以，是不是不该再爱你们？可是，一觉醒来，我却象得了失亿症似的，忘了所有的伤心失望。有人说，这样才是幸福的，但是，我深深的体会明白，内心的我却在抽泣，歇斯底里的在呐喊。

亲爱的你们，我不要谎言，我不要隐蔽，我只要一颗真心，不需要你们做什么。 难道这样的要求也很过分吗？我珍惜你们，所以不断的寻求你们，但是我不是圣人，我会心灵疲惫的。

走走走走走，我们小手拉小手，走走走走走，一同去郊游

今天天气真好，暖暖的太阳，温柔的春风。在热带国家活了27年的我一向来不喜欢太阳，如今却爱上了寒日里暖和的阳光，伴着一丝微风，百般诱惑我出去走走。然而，孤独的我还是放弃了。Laundry 里的洗衣机在轰隆隆的转洗衣物，我还是做家务去吧。待会儿好好奖励自己一盘美味的penne rigate.

当你想起我

给我一整天 一个人沉默
最难下的决定 往往是最对的
没错 那些话 那些事 还在心里出没
承认吧 我们的明天却没有下落

在温暖的大晴天忧郁，站在50尺高的大楼嘲笑自己，把玩回忆。
承认了，是自己不愿相信结束， 虽然心里清楚明白明天确实无迹可寻。
放弃了，也忘了身边还有许多更值得爱的人。

曾经以为 幸福垂手可得
当爱一旦被挥霍
反而让人更寂寞

天真让我相信幸福垂手可得，以为可以任性挥霍。
原来爱情如果要长久，付出和接受还是要平衡。
有缺陷的爱情，是怎样也无法完全，再多的炙热，也熄灭不了相煎的泪水，

有天当你想起我
时间已摆平所有犯的错
也学会不再追问为什么
但至少我们必须都快乐
直到那么一天
面对爱情开始吝啬
会不会怀念 曾有的炙热

有一天，如果有一天，你想起了我，
也许画面已模糊，更不会点算过去的对错是非。
也只有这样，忘了曾经的伤害和补偿不了的遗憾，你会是快乐的，是幸福的。
然而，经过岁月的洗涤，仍隐隐作痛的伤痕，让我不得不吝啬的面对捉摸不定的爱情。
不再相信永恒，不再相信开花结果，不再。。。。。。。

可是 当你想起我
我们早已经失去了联络
一路上经过各自的曲折
才明白最现实的是生活
直到那么一天
选某个人相濡以沫
会不会后悔
现在的非走不可

可是，多年后，可能你偶尔会想起我，
我平静而又小心翼翼的生活着， 和你的生活早已没交集了。
现实和生活悄悄的在脸上堆上皱纹，抹去了眼中憧憬的神采。
直到遇上了相濡以沫的那个他，执子之手到老。
对你，没有后悔，只是心存感激。

呢喃

不经意的又想起了奶奶。您好吗？是不是遇上了许多老朋友？

想起永恩，我可爱的外甥，从你出生一年又四个月，阿姨我才见你两次面。你喜欢什么玩具，阿姨给你买去。

想起远方的亲人，想起曾经拥有的好朋友，想起自己很珍惜的，却感觉渐渐失去的。想起一个人的我，孤独，渺小的在这宇宙存在着。

在这寒冷的冬天，是继续让自己沉淀还是升华。风，在头顶呼呼刮过，刮来了一大片的阴霾。搭上了耳机，我不想多想。

准许自己这一刻回头看，只是这一刻钟，过了，就要拥抱当下。

Specially dedicated to Jia- Cream Cracker Cake

This is the recipe which my mum learned from her friend and all my family can make it

(except my dad). Once of a while my friends liked to hinted me to make this cake but I'm

lazy. :-P However, a uni's senior commented it's the cake for the poor and refused to taste

it. Huak her!!!!! I think Jia knew who she is. Anyway, enjoy.

Ingredients A:
1) 1 tin of Luncheon meat (shredded with fork)
2) 500g of onion (finely chopped)
3) soy source or char siew source

Ingredients B:
1) cream crackers
2) 1 tin of evaporated milk
3) 8 eggs

Utensils:
square steam container

Methods:
1) Stir fry ingredients A and seasoned and put aside.

2) Whisk the eggs and mix with the evaporated milk.

3) Soak 27 pcs of cream crackers (assume that the container can fit 9 pcs of
crackers per layer, we need to make it three layers) into the mixture 2. Watch up
so that the crackers won't become too soft.

4) Put a layer of the crackers and following by the half of the stuffing 1 on top of
it. Following by the 2nd layer of crackers and the remanding stuffing 1. And
lastly put the 3rd layer of the crackers on the top.

5) Pour the mixture 2 into the cake.

6) When the cake has absorbed the mixture of eggs and milk, steam the cake for 45
minutes.

Happy Trying!!!!!